For your glory Jesus……more of you and less of me

Hey Rise family! I hope all is well with you and yours! I am so sorry for the delay you guys! I just ask that you please be patient with me because this is my first time sharing AS I’M GOING and GROWING THROUGH THE STORM!  It does get very hard and can become mentally and emotionally pressing at times. I don’t want to just share with y’all AFTER the storm! No, I am going to show you how to ENDURE the storm and show you all how to live on faith! I want you all to watch how God brings me through each time! Be the living example for my brothers and sisters. That might sound really easy and it may be for some of y’all, but it’s NOT that easy for me. But each time does make me stronger for the next! Then as you all continue to stay with me my hope is that you can learn from me and prayerfully it won’t take you anywhere near as long as it did for me to get it!! I hope the anticipation for pt. 2 has been building up. I promise you won’t be disappointed so let me jump to it. Once I got it down to a powder form, I separated what I would say was equivalent to the size of a string bean and left the rest in the bag. I tied it back up, but I didn’t hide it just yet. That was a tester to see what it was about. EVERY time you cop some dope and use it for the first time, you are playing a game of rush-n-roulette with your life. EVERY TIME! Well, that time my luck ran out. As soon as I snorted the “fet” I KNEW something was wrong! I was able to tell because it burned the living hell out of my nostril and it continued to burn non-stop. There was nothing I could do to get it out. Once you snort it the process begins. I was so scared! I did the only thing I could think of…and that was to PRAY! I don’t remember the prayer verbatim, but I remember asking God to forgive me for doing drugs. I told God I could not die yet because my kids needed me! I apologized to God and asked Him to please help me. My heart began to race, but I didn’t know if that was from the drugs or because I was afraid. It probably was a combination of both now that I think about it. Either way, I knew I had to calm down because I definitely didn’t want my boys to be alarmed. I opened the bathroom door and just like always the dogs Deucey and Master P were right there at the door waiting on me. The reason I love dogs so much is that  it seems that they know something is going on with you before YOU even know! As a matter of fact, I saw on Animal Planet that dogs can smell your chemical change when your emotions change. That’s how my service dog Grace was able to get my attention and get me to come out of my room before a bout of depression set in! Getting back to Deucey and Master P. They were on my heels from the time I stepped out of the bathroom so that added to my panic, which I was doing my best to keep under control. I made it into the kitchen and I finished making the smoothies. The last thing I remember was getting the cups out of the cabinet………after that, I just remember going in and out. Out of ALL the seizures I had, I never even knew I had one until it was over and I was waking up trying to gather my bearings. That was until this time! As I stated before I was going in and out, but here is what I do remember happening. I remember falling on the floor, my vision was very blurry and I was so very weak! I opened up my eyes and caught a quick glimpse of Jase and then everything just kept going black. I KNEW I had to fight and I specifically remember saying “I WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE!” I also remember telling God that I had to make it because I HAVE to be here for my kids! The last thing I remember was my head feeling like it weighed 1000 pounds, but I KNEW IT WAS GOD who picked my head up and turned it to the side so that I wouldn’t suffocate in my own vomit!! HALLELUJAH JESUS!!! Thank you, Father God! I’m just beyond grateful because I had a friend who died like that and her situation was very similar to mine. Her name was Summer. She was one of the first people I met in Oklahoma. She and I had become good friends. She did everything she needed to do in order to get her two teenage kids out of state custody. She got clean! She got herself an apartment and a car. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before she started back drinking. One night she had a seizure and from the story I heard, her kids didn’t know what to do. By the time the paramedics arrived, Summer had suffocated in her vomit because her kids didn’t turn her head to the side. A few months passed, and I noticed it had been a minute since I last saw Summer. I just so happen to be talking about her one day while I was locked up in the city jail and that’s when a girl who knew her too told me Summer had passed earlier that year! I was so sad and so heartbroken for both her and her kids. That was the first time I remember expressing to God, how unfair life was! The fact that she did all that hard work to get her family back only to turn around a very short time later and die. May it be her fault or not! She was not and never will be the only person to relapse…..but that’s just the way life plays out sometimes. Back to my story, the next thing I remember was sitting there on my kitchen floor with my knees pulled up to my chest. I was VERY confused and a paramedic squatting down next to me asking me if I have seizures. I told him I did. It’s so weird y’all because Deucey and Master P bark at the sound of the wind blowing too hard! But for the life of me, I don’t remember seeing or hearing them. Since the paramedics were there I knew my boys were safe, but I don’t remember seeing them at that point either. As I was being taken down the stairs by either the police or the paramedics I remember catching a glimpse of my friend Nannah and the look on her face terrified me! So I knew it was bad, but I didn’t truly know to what extent yet because I was still going in and out of consciousness. While on the way to the hospital, I just remember being scared as hell! My whole body hurt and the paramedic kept talking to me and telling me to stay awake! He ended up having to give me another dose of Narcan. That’s when I started to come back around. But I was still scared, especially because the monitors that I was hooked up to were going crazy! Out of all the times that I have ridden in an ambulance, this was the second time that they turned the sirens on! The first time I was in labor with my daughter (that’s a whole other story for a different day) then this time. So that only added to my anxiety! I could not be still for anything! My chest was on fire and felt like it was constantly shrinking. I finally asked the paramedic who was working on me “am I going to die!?” Just to be 100% honest…. I don’t even remember what his answer was! Once we finally got to Grandview Medical Center, that’s when things got very real for me. There was a team of doctors and nurses waiting on me and as soon as I came through the doors they went to work on me. I do remember it all just being too much for me to deal with, so I passed back out. I don’t know what all they did to me, but the next time I woke up, I was SCREAMING out in pain! Narcan works by immediately reversing the effects of opioids. Now, remember I had already been given two doses by the time I got to the emergency room. So once they gave me whatever number dose that was, it finally was enough to get ALL the opioids out of my system. Then it sends your body into automatic withdrawals! It felt like my stomach was never going to stop hurting and due to the fact that I was there for drugs in the first place, there was absolutely no hope in me getting ANY kind of pain medication! At that time I would have settled for some Tylenol just to help with SOME of the pain. But I guess that’s one of the consequences for coming to the emergency room for an overdose. You would have thought I was in labor by the way I was carrying on! That went on for a LONG time too! I promise I will NEVER FORGET this “F-up” as long as I live. As time went on I became weaker and grew more tired. I was tired and exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally! I was able to see outside and saw that it had become nighttime. I looked up and saw my Mom walking into the room. I had SO many emotions going on at that time. I was happy that SOMEBODY came. I had mixed feelings about it being her because I was embarrassed for being in this predicament yet again, but then again, who else was I expecting to show up?! As I stated in part 1 my Grandmother lives in the SAME apartment complex as I do, but I later found out that the office manager called her and asked her if she could get Jase and Ja’Viean for me UNTIL my mom (who was on her way) got there so the police wouldn’t have to call DHR…..she said NO! It’s not that she wasn’t able or capable of doing it, she just said NO. I learned the hard way that sometimes your own family can be your worst enemy! The apartment manager offered to let them go to her house until my Mom arrived, but the police said they could only release them to family. I KNOW I messed up, but it sucks when a stranger shows more love and concern about you than your OWN FAMILY! My Grandma didn’t even call me. As a matter of fact….NONE of my family called or came to see me except my Mom. Again, I take full responsibility for what I did! I was DEAD WRONG for doing drugs with my kids in the house. But my whole family knew my boys had JUST got out of state’s custody like a year prior to all of this happening and I feel that at least for the KIDS’ SAKE things could have been put to the side in order of not risking the kids going back! I guess that’s just ME though. ( I will tell y’all the story about how the boys got in and out of the system soon so stay tuned) I know I was the one who put them in this risky situation to begin with, so is it even fair of me to be upset with my family when they don’t do or act how I feel they should?! Having expectations of other people will keep you let down……. I will stop here for now, but please do me a favor and share this with someone! I am about to start my podcast soon and I look forward to hearing from you all! Stay tuned for the conclusion of “Why They Left.” I PROMISE it’s not going to take long! I love you all, talk to you soon!!!