For your glory Jesus…….less of me and more of you!!!

Hey Rise Family! I hope all is well with you and yours. Please know that when I say that those aren’t just words I’m saying. I mean that wholeheartedly. Also, before I began I am asking for you all to please forgive me because in part 2 I said well I actually promised that it was not going to be a long time. It was a very long time and I am very sorry! To be 100% completely honest, I just have to get out of self-will and be about my Father’s business! This is not easy though because if it was, then everybody would be doing it. Real talk! So pray for me as I pray for you. So to finish up my story, I heard the Dr talking to my Mom and he told her that they were going to put me in the ICU. So about an hour or so later they came and took me from the ER to the ICU. Once I got in there I just remember the nurse telling me that I could not get out the bed for ANY REASON at all. Once the nurse got me set up and it was just mom and I left in the room, she looked at me and said ” You know them boys gone have to go back to Oklahoma, RIGHT?!!!  Before I could say anything she started talking again and said “because I can’t do it and that wasn’t the plan!”  Tears coming down my face I said  “Mama No, please don’t send my boys back! By that time I was drained of every single ounce of energy! It took what little bit I had left in me just to cry those tears! That’s how bad I felt. She looked at me and said, “Nee-Cee, it’s too late because DHR has already been called and gotten involved because when the police came to your house they found drug paraphernalia in there.” I said “ok, but with this being the first incident I’m sure they won’t have to make such a dramatic call as that and send them all the way back to Oklahoma! Can’t they just give you a warning of some kind and tell you not to let the boys be left alone with me or make you take some classes or something?!” She then said, “Nee-Cee you are going to have to take into consideration those times I called them folks and told them I was NOT going to be able to adopt the boys!” When she said that my heart just dropped and all I could do was cry as I sat there and thought about what she just said. It’s no secret that my Mom and I have always had a strained relationship. Back in some of my earlier blogs I would talk about how sometimes your family could be your own worst enemy. I would be referring to my Mom. One of the many reasons was that I had struggled with drug addiction for 18 years. When I had finally gotten sober, that’s when she started to treat me like a pile of s**t and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why! I couldn’t understand how she could be there for me while I was doing bad, but actually hate me when I turned my life around for the better! One of the things she would do is talk about me bad in front of my kids. She did everything she could to turn my 15-year-old son against me and she even made him fight me! My Mom had turned into this demonic demon and she didn’t care about what she did or who she hurt. Whenever we would argue she would say things like “That’s why your kids going back to foster care in Oklahoma” in front of my boys. Jase was old enough to understand what she was saying and there were times when he would go out of his way to make her happy because he didn’t want to go back! He was only 5 years old at the time and to make matters even worst my Mom knew Jase got molested in foster care so he was traumatized by that event alone! I would tell her that she could be mad at me all she wanted, but please leave the kids out of it! She didn’t though, she just had to get at me however she could and in the end her spite for me end up costing me dearly! Before I go on, I want it to be known that I take full responsibility for my actions and I know that it was due to me getting high and overdosing in front of my babies that that was the MAIN reason why my babies got sent back. Alright, moving forward, I stayed in the ICU for one day. The next day they came and moved me to a regular hospital room, where I stayed another 4 days! I have had A LOT of scary experiences or near misses, but NEVER one like this, and hear me when I say that it was THIS one that got my attention for a few different reasons!! As crazy and bad as my Mom and my relationship is, one thing I can say is that she was there at that hospital with me every day. The second day that I was there my Mom called my babies for me on Facetime and as soon as they saw me they were happy! Jase came with the 1000 questions and I had to answer them the best way I could so that his 5-year-old brain could process and comprehend it. I know it traumatized him because of the way he was talking about how I had my seizure. He said, “Mom, you kept hitting your head on the floor and your eyes were doing this and your body kept shaking like this and I was scared!” He was acting the whole thing out as he was telling me about….poor thing! All I could do was listen to him and let him get it all out and when he was done, I said “Baby love Mom is so sorry!” even though I know he didn’t fully understand why I was apologizing, he responded back “that’s ok” and that right there did something to my heart because he sounded so innocent and sweet which he was. I was on like 3 or 4 different antibiotics. My nurse told me that when I came in the ICU I was totally septic. One of those antibiotics was so strong that as soon as they put it in my IV it BURNED OMG IT BURNED!! I was getting all of these meds three times a day. By the time the night dose came on my 2nd day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked them did they have it in pill form. Which they did, but that was NO better because it TASTED like it felt. If that makes sense. I just couldn’t win, but then again, I wasn’t in there for selling girl scout cookies. The 3rd day came and this was life-changing. Earlier that morning I decided to call ole girl and let her know that the stuff she and her folks were selling was bad. I told her it almost killed me and I told her that I was in the hospital. I did that in hopes that she would hopefully do the right thing and throw that batch away but who knows? I don’t know if you all have ever been to Grandview Hospital in Birmingham but I guess they named it that because from your room you can see all of 280 and it really is a beautiful site. Anyway, I had my tv off and it was quiet and peaceful in my room and I was taking in the view when God came to me and clearly said “THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!” all I said was “Yes Sir.” On the 4th day my oldest son Jayden came to see me. His birthday was coming up and all I could do was sit there and think about how horrible of a birthday that would have been for him had I died! He would have never forgotten his 15th birthday when his mom overdosed and died…..but I thank God that that didn’t end that way! So I had a lot of alone time and thinking time in the hospital and I look at ALL the damage I caused to everyone. All the damage I caused myself and I just thank God that it wasn’t permanent. After 5 days, I was finally released, but still felt terrible. I was weak and they had super detoxed my body of EVERYTHING. That actually sent my body into some kind of shock and I instantly felt that I needed something to calm it down. My Mom still had my kids so as soon as I got home my addict brain went to work. I started looking all over the house to see if they by chance had missed anything. Which they didn’t because I kept everything in my bathroom behind the medicine mirror. I made a run to go get some dope. This time from a more trusted dealer. I got ice because I needed the energy. It helped, but I instantly felt regret after doing it. My boys came back home 3 days later and we were all very happy to be back with each other. I know the overdose traumatized Jase because every time we would go in the kitchen, he would get on the floor and show me what I did. And every time I would tell him how sorry I was. He wanted to ALWAYS be around me after that. My baby boy JaViean just followed whatever his brother Jase did. A few weeks passed and my Mom started calling me to tell me that DHR was investigating and that it wasn’t looking good. That’s not what I wanted to hear! So I told her to “fix it” and I hung up on her. My heart was pounding and I was filled with all kinds of different emotions because I didn’t want to lose my children again! It was one week before school was supposed to start and I was in Walmart with my boys getting Jase school supplies. I had him all hyped up for kindergarten! I had taken him to his new school and everything. Well, while shopping for his supplies that’s when I got the devastating and heartbreaking news that DHR decided to take the boys and send them back to Oklahoma to be put back in foster care. All of this was happening the very next day! MY WORLD SHATTERED!!!! I went from telling my boys they were about to start a new school to now they were about to have to go away again……….it was the WORSE feeling that NO MOTHER OR CHILD should ever have to go through!!! We all make mistakes man, but to take my kids to a whole different state where I haven’t seen or heard from them since the day they left and that’s been almost a year in August is CRUEL AS HELL because I ended up going to rehab in October of last year and I have been clean going on 10 months! So now what?! I’m trusting God as I’m praying and doing things to put in work because faith without works is dead!! I am doing everything I know how to get my boys back and sometimes it doesn’t feel like much, but y’all just stay with me on this journey and watch how GOD fixes things because if He did it before He’ll do it again! I love you family, until next time.

~Shaye~